Grief AND Gratitude 2022

I almost titled my book Grief and Gratitude. Mostly because in the early days after Trav died, I was so struck by how these could equally exist at the same time. Then it just became an overriding theme of my life, and honestly continuing to seek this tension of opposites was probably the biggest anchor that got me through the depths of acute grief.

As I sit on my couch on this Saturday morning with my cup of tea and laptop, like I have SO many times over the last several years, I am reminded how very present this concept of grief and gratitude continues to be for me.

It looks different than it did three years ago, and it’s still here. I saw a post on Instagram yesterday that said something about grief being so sudden and brief on social media, when in reality it is long, nonlinear, confusing, and demanding. Well isn’t that the truth! This made me think about how I haven’t been posting very often and how this could give the illusion that my grief is no longer; that I’ve moved on. When in reality it is still very present, it just looks so different that I’m not sure how to share it so publicly anymore.

Grief still grips me. It still shows up unexpectedly. It still brings the tears, the pain, and the longing. Just when I think I’ve felt all the feels, grief brings a new version of itself and I’m undone all over again.

AND.

Just when I think my gratitude bucket is overflowing, a new wave comes and I am undone by the many, many things I am grateful for. The people, the experiences, the journey- all new and unexpected, leaving me in awe of this beautiful life that is mine.

This tension of grief and gratitude will always be mine. The grief feels different. The gratitude feels different. And I’m still here feeling it with my whole heart.